 Heavy Duty Black 97cm Rifle Gun Slip Bag FG-06-BK 00484 US $33.99 
|
 PADDED GUN CASE BAG SHOTGUN SLIP 7" X 52" LONG +STRAP US $24.32
|
| Powered by phpBay Pro |
Short opening. What do you think?
Olivia’s face was bright, glowing, Joker-esque. Almost maniacal. She slipped her gloved hand into the bag and pulled out a little, black pistol.
Grinning insanely, she slowly raised the gun and pointed it at me. I felt my eyes widen, my heart thumped and at that moment I honestly thought I was going to die.
She fired. I flinched as the little yellow foam bullet hit me in the chest. Olivia giggled.
------
It's from the prologue of my cousin's young-adult dark drama novel. Does it draw you in? Criticism welcome! 
In reference to concept, it is a good start to grabbing a reader. Action and conflict is the best way to start any story. Just try to clean up the writing and tighten up the action.
1. Too many adjectives in the first two sentences. You want to set the mood, but you also want to get to the action. While we are on the first 2 sentences, "Almost maniacal." is not a complete sentence; it is actually part of the first sentence. Further, the first sentence is a linking verb. No good story should start with a linking verb, you need an action verb and you have one in the long list of adjectives. I would drop "bright" because it is a vague adjective (does it mean bright with light, does it mean bright like smart, you get the point). Turn glowing into your verb. So it would be Olivia's face glowed... Some one else had a problem with Joker-esque, personally I kind of liked it because it is very descriptive and exact. But keep in mind your audience will immediately see Olivia in white paint with a huge red smile painted across her face. If you are looking for something more ominous, that might not be the description to use.
2. Little is also a vague adjective an not necessary because pistols are small guns and the average reader knows that. What purpose is it serving? The same thing is true of black. Most guns the reader visualizes are black. We don't need adjectives to understand a familiar object. Is there something unfamiliar about the object that the reader's attention should be drawn to. Is is brand new? Is it well used? Does it have initials carved in it? I don't know, but if there is nothing remarkable about the pistol don't add useless adjectives.
3. "the bag" what bag? Don't use the specific article, instead further describe the bag. Unlike the pistol a bag can be anything. Is it a brown sack? A purse? A black leather bag? What is it? Is it the writer's bag? Olivia's bag? Was the bag sitting there? I am so lost as to where this pistol came from.
4. Using insanely feels off. Try "With an insane grin" or something like that.
5. What is the main character doing while this gun is being "slowly" raised. Slowly adds mood, but it also make the action of the scene weak. No one stands in front of someone while they slowly raise a gun. Either she was quick on the draw or something is restraining the character. She's trapped or tied up or something, but we need to know what she is doing to get out of the situation. If slowly is simply there to make the mood look for another way.
6. "at me." instead of me, give us more details about where she pointed the gun. At my heart, at my chest, at my head, etc.
7. "I felt my eyes widen" puts the action a step back because you only perceive it. My eyes widened, is much better for flow.
8. "my eyes widen, my heart thumped" so in present tense the characters eyes widened but in past tense her heart thumped? Watch out for tense shifts. The whole sentence would read better, "My eyes widened and my heart thumped."
9. "and at that moment I honestly though I was going to die." Once again the whole sentence removes us from the character. Just show us her exact thoughts. I am going to die! (<--in italics to indicate it is a thought.)
10. Huge build up, huge let down. The end can easily be likened to reading an entire novel and at the end the hero is up against insane odd and instead of resolving the conflict, the hero wakes up and it was all just a dream. Now the reader feels cheated. If you want to keep something like this then you have to give the reader clues before the reveal. So did the gun in any way resemble a toy? Further, the end is off-putting because now the main character is an idiot, why did she think she was going to die from a foam bullet? The main character cannot have such a strong reaction to the gun and it only be foam and the character still be intelligent. You know what a toy gun looks like. And if Olivia is now giggling it implies they know each other. The main character would know if Olivia was out to kill her.
Items Recently Purchased From This Site:
| Powered by phpBay Pro |